Save the SECRET Squirrel

Ok, part of what I do involves SECRET stuff. Not TOP SECRET squirrel stuff, but SECRET stuff none the less. During my first deployment I wasn’t really keyed into all the operations that were going on. Part the reason was because we weren’t doing a lot, and partly because I didn’t realize I NEEDED to be. I figured public affairs lives in the public realm rite? So my SECRET computer pretty much gathered dust and was periodically flipped open to plan the occasional VIP visit.
Now is a completely different story though. Almost everything I do is on SECRET computers and sent over SECRET networks. This becomes an issue when we have to send out press releases because nothing on a SECRET computer can travel to the non SECRET realm. Oh you can transfer data from non-SECRET to SECRET but once it hits that SECRET comp it can’t ever go back again. This leads to some interesting dichotomies. For example, no recordable media is allowed where I work every day. No phones, No lights, No motor cars, not a single luxury. Well ok we have lights, and internet. INTERNET. Open source, no restrictions Internet. But it took FOREVER to get cameras in here, and don’t even think about bringing an IPOD. Actually I take that back. You can bring and IPOD, but you have to label it SECRET and leave it here. Seriously, it’d be a SECRET IPOD. Part of me wants to go buy one just so I can say I had one. Of course, then I’d have to leave it here and it would have to be wiped and cleared by G6 (Computer Ops) and G2 (Intel).

There’s serious concern about SECRET squirrel stuff getting out, and that’s important, but I seem to remember the restrictions being a little well, let’s say easier to understand, and there weren’t as many issues. For example: If it’s media that can’t be wiped, like a disc or (god forbid) paper you have to destroy it. Discs get shredded. SHREDDED. G6 actually has a disc shredder. I think it can chew through BONE. Paper goes into a blue bin for destruction later. Theoretically it gets burned. Don’t mix the unclassified paper with the classified stuff though, BAD things happen. They apparently don’t play well together. That and it makes more work for somebody so we can’t have that.

Once I get back to St. Paul I’ll be doing most of my work via open source internet. But because so much is now done on the SECRET side I’ll have to go to a secure room at least once a day to check email and get instructions, that I will then have to memorize because I won’t be able to take ANY of that material off that machine regardless if it is classified or not. I suppose it’s for the best, the SECRET SQUIRRELS kept there need company.